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Monday, June 30, 2008
Spotlight On... Uaintjak

I've laughed every time I've read the following interview, which is really no surprise. Uaintjak is one of the funniest people I've ever known. I hope you'll enjoy his interview as much as I have.

Name:  Joe Kubinski...the "jak" part comes from my initials.  Hence, you ain't jak, cuz I am.  Bitches.  (The "bitches" is implied).
36, except I keep forgetting, so maybe I'm really younger.  Or older.  No, definitely younger.
Location: Westland, Michigan.  When God made Michigan, he took a big shit and called it Detroit.  Westland is one of the little farts he let out along the way.

Where were you born?   Southfield, Michigan.  It's another one of God's little farts.

It must really stink there.  What makes you stay?  Two things.  One is family - I've got a lot of them here.  No, not random bastard children, but actual family, as in parents and siblings.  Bastard children don't really count as family, in my opinion, because for one, if they're bastards, you didn't really do anything to make them family except maybe cut their mom a check, and two, they aren't that special, anyone can have bastard children.  Well, I guess women can't.  Sorry ladies.  Anyway, they live here (my parents and siblings, not my bastard children, who we've already established aren't really family), and so, in order to better sponge off them, I live here as well.  The other reason is - know what?  I swear to god I had two reasons when I started answering this question, but I'll be damned if I know what the other one is now.  Ain't that a bitch.
What did you want to be when you grew up?  A veterinarian, or a zookeeper.  Yeah, kids are stupid and naive, aren't they?  A zookeeper!  Jesus, what did I know?  That's why I'm a teacher, so that I can tell kids just how stupid their hopes and dreams really are.  "Trust me, Tammy, you'll be pregnant and working the Burger King drive-thru, no way in hell you're gonna be a pop star.  And you're way too fat to be a model."

What were mealtimes like for you as a child?   Pretty awesome, because I was the youngest, and horribly spoiled.  Thus, I was not forced to eat anything I didn't like.  In fact, as a baby, I was fed steak that was put into a blender so that I could gum that shit up.  True story.  I know you're thinking "No way, who does that?"  But you know what?  Someone does that, and I am the product of their loins.

Did you ever like any of your school photos?   No, in fact, I was horribly scarred by one of them, that featured me with a giant scabbed over scar on my nose.  Oh, wait, upon reflection, I was pretty cute in my senior picture.

How did you get that giant scab?  I don't recall, I think I blocked that memory out, due to the hideous disfiguring nature of the injury.  If I had to guess, I'd say that it involved my brother somehow, or perhaps one of my sisters.  They've all tried to kill me at some point, and it wouldn't surprise me to find that that scar came out of one more failed attempt.
And, because I know you're going to ask, yes, they really all have tried to kill me.  My brother jumped on the bunkbeds that we shared until they collapsed upon my sleeping person.  One of my sisters forced me across a fallen log that was over a raging river, so that she could get to the other side to meet boys.  I was all of like, 3 years old.  Another sister was riding her bike with me on the handlebars, and then stopped abruptly, hurling me face-first out into traffic.  And my other sister shoved me into the deep end of the pool without my little arm floaties, so she could "teach" me to swim.  Oh, sure, when confronted by my parents, they all tearfully claimed that these incidents were "accidents" but just how many "accidents" can one boy endure before it becomes a plot? I'm going to answer that question even though it's rhetorical.  And the answer is, I don't like to put number values on those types of things.  I think if one person tries to kill you, then it's a plot.   I'm just thankful I don't have any more siblings, frankly.

Although, I must admit that I don't blame #1 sister for shoving me across that log when I was 3.  She was going to meet boys after all.  That's the kind of thing I would have done, if I was in charge of a 3 year old and there were boys waiting for me.

What was your first date like?    Boring as fuck.  First of all, it was with a girl, so there's that.  I only went out with her because the guy I had a crush on said I should go out with her, and I was all like "Hey, maybe if I do what he wants, he'll make out with me."  That kind of thinking set a pattern I was to follow all my life, by the way.  I think we went to the mall (me and the girl, I mean).  Yeah, I kissed her.  I'm sure it was pretty thrilling for her, but as for me, I was just trying to get the hell out of there.

What is in your vegetable bin?   What the hell is a vegetable bin?

You know~ the drawers at the bottom of your... nevermind.  What's in your freezer?   Some vodka.  Also ice, because that makes the vodka taste better.
How is your bedroom decorated?  Quite classy.  It's all white, with one blue wall.  That's called an accent wall.  I learned that from watching Trading Spaces, so I know it's classy.  And that hideous bitch Hildy never did one, so I know for sure that it's classy.
I'm guessing it doesn't have an orthogonal theme.  What kind of artwork do you display?    Nothing in my bedroom, as that would take away from the classy accent wall.  Throughout the house, there are Monet prints and some artwork that my roommate's parents have done.  Also I have a sign that says "I Love To Teach."  I know, right?

What's your best feature?   My enormous pen - oh, um, my sense of humor.  Yeah.  Definitely that.

Is there something about yourself you'd change if you could?   I'd make myself richer, because really, you can never have enough money.  People always say "Money doesn't buy happiness" but you know who says that?  Poor people who will never have money, and rich unhappy people.  Oh, you meant like, what about myself would I change?  Screw that, with money I could change anything I wanted.  That's why plastic surgeons are rich, you know.
What is something people might be surprised to learn about you?  I despise children.  I know, you're sitting there thinking "But you're a teacher!"  So the fuck what?  No one ever asked me if I liked kids.  If they had, I'd be all like "Well, no, not really."  But I guess when you're a teacher, people just assume you like kids.  People are stupid, don't you think?  I know the kids are.

I dunno, maybe that's not all that shocking.  Maybe people would be surprised to learn that despite my general selfish nature and complete narcissistic tendencies, I'm actually a nice person.  Like, I laugh when people hurt themselves, but I feel bad about laughing, you know?  I'm the kind of person who would give you the shirt off my back, as long as it didn't cost me very much, and if other people could then look at me and say "Wow, he's really generous."  If it were just you and me in the woods alone, though, I probably wouldn't give you my shirt, unless I had some assurance that you would tell other people what a great guy I was and how I saved your life when I gave you my shirt.  If you were just going to die there in the woods and never tell anyone, then I'd probably keep my shirt.  True story!

So, do you hang out in the woods often?  Ah, the woods.  Heh, that's funny.  I'm one of those people who loves nature, but I don't particularly like it, you know, on me.  Although I have lately started camping, but that's mostly because this hot 23 year old keeps asking me to go.  See my answer to the question "What was your first date like" if you need any more insight into that one.

Where do you spend the remainder of your free time?
  The rest of my free time is spent wherever something mildly interesting is going on, which I can truthfully say is pretty much wherever I am.  It's nice that it works out that way.
What type of books do you like to read?   Well, mostly fantasy stuff.  Like, swords and sorcery and killing dragons and stuff.  I know, I'm secretly a gigantic nerd.  Maybe I should have answered that previous question with "I think people would be surprised to learn that I'm a giant nerd."  But really, it's no surprise to me, so there you go.

I also like oddball fiction.  Christopher Moore rocks.  And I have this odd and kind of creepy fascination with human tragedy.  Like the Holocaust, or slavery, or that kind of stuff.  I dunno why, but there it is.

If you were a character, (from a book, film, cartoon, etc), who would you be?  That's easy.  I'd be God.  Not like Alannis Morrisette God (from Dogma) because I'm pretty sure she doesn't shave her pits or, you know, down there, and I think if you're going to be God, you should have some personal hygenie standards.  I'd be all Old Testament Gangsta God, raining down plagues and fire and shit.  Not literal shit, but as like, an analogy.  For instance, when SciFi channel canceled Farscape (best show ever), I'd have visited them with a plague of stinkbugs.  Or when George Bush got elected (twice!  What the fuck was that?) I'd have made India sink into the ocean.  I picked India because I'm obviously not going to punish America (Hello!  I live there!) and there are a lot of people in India.  A lot.  And since overpopulation is sort of an issue, I'd be killing two birds with one stone.  A really big stone. Big enough to sink India.  Oh, but I would spread forth my hand and protect all the wildlife of India, because I wouldn't be like, one of those gods that just willy nilly destroys everything.  That's just a dick move.  Plus there are a lot of cool animals in India.  Oh, and I might spare Bollywood, because really, those movies are fucking hilarious.

Name your favorite place in the world.  I don't know, I haven't been everywhere yet.  Not even close.  I really like my bed though.  Seriously, it's huge and comfortable, and it's always there for me.  Who doesn't love their bed?  Even homeless people probably love their bed, even if it's just a big cardboard box with some blankets that smell like pee.

In fact, if you've ever seen Bedknobs and Broomsticks (starring Angela Lansbury, it's a Disney film), that pretty much is the perfect bed in that movie.  It can go anywhere you go, so you'd always have your very own bed no matter where you traveled.  I guess, with that option, everyplace in the world would be my favorite.    

Do you have any pets or do you hate animals, too?  As far as I'm concerned, there's something psychotically wrong with people who hate animals.  Ergo, I love them.  Didn't I just save all the wildlife of India two questions ago?  I myself am the owner of a really stupid dog named Tayler (which, coincidentally, is also the name of a lot of really stupid girls that I've taught) and a really bitchy cat named Buttafuocco.
What is your favorite type of cookie?   Home made chocolate chip cookies, just out of the oven and barely cool enough to eat.  Seriously, why is this even a subject for debate?

I really have no clue.  Tell me, then~ what type of cookie sucks the most?
Anything with nuts.  I like my nuts where god intended, on the guy I'm trying to make-out with.

Thanks for the laughs, jak!  I always look forward to seeing what you have to say next.

Posted at 08:55 am by ChefGrace
(3) Shout Outs  

Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Spotlight On...ff174

You read his recaps, you laugh at his jokes, you may even secretly root for him to win BB 9.5.  Now, get to know member #1111 of ff174

Name: Marek Wojciechowski, (First name is prounounced Mah-rek, last name is Voy-cha-huff-skee.)

Age: 51
Location: Rancho Palos Verdes, California

Wow.  Your name is a mouthful!  I assume it's of Polish origin.  How often does anyone pronounce it correctly? You are absolutely correct! Both of my parents are from Europe. My father, obviously, is Polish, My Mother is English. As far as correct pronunciation, let's just say ... pretty much never. In fact, in my whole life, there has been exactly one non-Pole who actually pronounced my last name correctly.

Where were you born? East Orange, New Jersey

How did you end up on the other side of the country? It was always my parent's desire to come to California. For some reason, they decided to move West ... 6 months after I was born. So, around May of 1957, they drove 3000 miles across the country in a non-air conditioned Plymouth. This was before car seats. So, I pretty much spent the whole time on my mother's lap.

What did you want to be when you grew up?  I still don't know. No, actually, I seem to remember that I wanted to be a lawyer. I didn't even know what I wanted to do when I got to college. I guess I figured that I would fall into something, eventually.

Did you become a lawyer? No. I still find myself watching lawyer-based shows and yelling out "objection!" I am pretty damned good at it. 

What do you do for fun? Visit with my friends and family. Read. Go to the beach and walk along The Strand. Try to make a few people laugh recapping all the dolts in the BB house. Cheer on my Sports teams (Lakers, Dodgers, UCLA Bruins).
What were mealtimes like for you as a child? Good. I was a little fussy, and my mom accomodated me. My dad would always be home in time from work, so we always ate together.

Did you ever like any of your school photos? At the time of the photos, I don't think that I really cared that much. Looking back, I needed glasses when I was very young, and always hated the way I looked in them.
What was your first date like? The girl's name was Adrianne Hrtik, and I was gaga over her. We went to Chris and Pitts Steak House. We saw the move "The Marathon Man." I can't remember if I got a kiss or not
What is in your vegetable bin? I am a true bachelor, and only shop for a day or so at a time. Right now, I have tomatoes ... which I am afraid to eat. We are having a salmonella scare, right now. And lots of the stores have removed tomatoes from the shelves. It's bizarre, because there is a Mexican Fast Food place next door, and they have removed all the salsas from their condiment bin. How can anyone eat a taco without salsa.

Also, lettuce, and that is about it.

What things do you typically cook for yourself? I am a very simple guy when it comes to cooking. Living in SoCal, the weather is always amenable to BBQ'ing. Why would anybody bake or fry their meat, if they could just as easily turn on the propane, and fix up some charred animal flesh? even in the dead of winter, BBQ'ing is far superior than butchering meat by frying or baking.
My typical evening meal consists of BBQ'd chicken/steak/pork/ground beef and some vegetable.
What color is your car? Green
Are you having a good hair day? Right now, yes. That's because my hair is short.
What is your favorite cologne? I don't wear any cologne
What type of books do you like to read? All kinds. I like classics like The Tale of Two Cities, etc. I also have started reading books that teach me about history
If you were a literary character, who would you be? I have always thought that the Count of Monte Christo (Edmund Dantes) was one of the coolest characters, so lets go with him.

Do you have any pets? No. I currently own my own business, and I do not have the time to tend to a pet. If I had my druthers, I would own a dog. I love dogs

Name your favorite place in the world: I really like where I live, but if I were to choose the one place I would want to go back to for a visit, I have a friend who has a time share in Key West. I always have the best time when I go there.

Tell me something people might be surprised to learn about you. Wow, You have really opened a can of worms.
Here goes ...
Okay. HT is a wonderful place for everyone to gather and discuss all that is Big Brother. It is my opinion that the majority of people on the site are Reality TV Junkies. I look in on many of the other threads, and it seems that 80% of the discussion is Reality TV based.
Please, do not take anything I am about to say personally ...
I hate reality TV. I hate it big time.
There is only one Reality Based Show that, in my opinion, is worth a damn: The Amazing Race.That is the one show that the contestants actually depend upon their wits, in order to win. Every other reality based show has some kind of manufactured environment that precludes it from being a true reality based show
You want more? I have not watched a network broadcast of BB since about BB3. It was about that time that I started watching the live feeds. It became brutally obvious to me that the network broadcast show did not adequately represent what actually happened in the house. Witness the Evel Dick Season. In my opinion, Grodner and her evil minions kept Evel Dick and his Spawn in the game for ratings. They did not show his outbursts that could be considered criminal, Instead, they depicted him as this aging Rock 'n Roller,, trying to win his white bread daughter back.
That is not reality. That is creating a show in order to garner ratings.
Which is fine. Just don't tell me it's "reality".
So, why do I recap on HT if I hate the show?
Because, I like to get responses to my recaps. I don't consider myself a comedian, but getting a response in the "love" thread means everything to me. I really like it when I bring a chuckle to someone who does not have the feeds. I also consider myself a reporter to those who do not have the feeds. I try to be as unbiased as possible ...
Unless I am recapping the Booger ... or Evel Dick ... or ...
Well, the majority of the idjits who would appear on BB

That does is!  This recap is OVER!  Well, after this one last very important question, that is.

What is your favorite type of cookie? Chocolate Chip, of course. Warm, and out of the oven.

Your cookie answer was the correct one, so I'll forgive you for bashing reality tv, (although everything you said is absolutely true.)  Thanks for taking time out of your busy schedule to answer my questions, ff.  I look forward to reading your recaps for the upcoming BB10!

Posted at 10:45 am by ChefGrace
(3) Shout Outs  

Saturday, May 31, 2008
This Just In

I was in the same room today as Jacob when he was playing an online game for kids.  He kept calling the other players "noods", so I corrected him, saying the proper term is "noob", and that a "nood" is what you call someone who is naked. 

Later this evening, he got out of his bath, dropped his towel and ran around the house proclaiming, "I'm a nood!  I'm a nood". 

I swear, this kid never fails to entertain.

Posted at 10:37 pm by ChefGrace
(2) Shout Outs  

Out of the mouth of Jacob

I took the kids to zoo yesterday, on their first day of summer break.  It was a fun time, made especially memorable by the loss of my son's first tooth.  He'd just taken a bite of a giant pretzel while looking at the flamingos, then ran over to me and said, "mom!", showing me that his tooth was barely hanging on.  After a couple of wiggles, it came right out.  He was proud and excited.  I made him put the tooth in his pocket until we got home.  I didn't think it was possible for him to be any cuter, but I was wrong.

These days, however, he doesn't want to be "cute" or "handsome".  He wants to be "cool". 

He never fails to entertain me.  Last night, for example, I asked him if he was finished with his dinner, and he pushed his plate away, exclaiming, "I'm about to bust a gutter!"

I wish he could be 6 forever.

Posted at 12:23 pm by ChefGrace
(1) Shout Outs  

Friday, May 30, 2008

I don't know what happened to the last post.  I edited it to add the results of my test, posted it, then realized there were a few things that needed to be tweaked, but now I can't get back into the post to clean it up.

If blogdrive is going to treat me like this, I'm going to break up with it.


Anyhoo~ my apologies for the sloppiness of the results from my Brain Sex Test.


Posted at 09:45 am by ChefGrace
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