Santa! You better watch out, you better not cry, you better not pout, he's telling you why.
Name: Santa Claus, aka Saint Nicholas, aka Kris Kringle, aka the World's Most Popular Master of Breaking and Entering.
Age: A little less than one year. Not a lot of people know this, but there is actually a different Santa Claus every year. On December 26 of each year, the outgoing Santa plucks one whisker from his beard and plants it under a Christmas tree at the North Pole. On the twelth day after Christmas a baby Santa is born out of a leaf of mistletoe that grow from that spot. In recent years Santas have been developing faster and faster, in order to meet the ever earlier Christmas shopping demands of the world.
Location: the North Pole, wherever a child dreams, or wherever an adult needs a threat to make their child behave.
Where were you born? Under a Christmas tree from a sprig of mistletow grown from a whisker from Santa 2003's beard. Pay attention. *glances at pile of coal in the back yard*
Do you really check your list twice? These days that's all done by computers. You wouldn't believe the firewalls required to keep out hackers. I blame Ferris Bueller, that little punk.
What happens if people don't have a chimney? Let's just say everyone has a toilet, and leave it at that.
What did you want to be when you grew up? A third party candidate for President. I still maintain I would have kicked Bush's ass. Blue states and red states love Santa.
What were mealtimes like for you as a child? In order to prepare for the harsh conditions of Christmas Eve, I was forced to fight reindeer for some oats and eggnog. You haven't known panic until you've attempted to locate the last parcel of grain while blinded by a flash flare from Ruldoph's nose.
Did you ever like any of your school photos? Not really. I always looked fat and drunk.
Were you?? I wasn't fat. Moonboots just make everyone look a little rounded. And I wasn't drunk either. When it comes to booze and narcotics, Santa just says no. Heck, no Santa has even smoked a pipe since it became clear that the tobacco companies are agents of evil. Visit thetruth.com to learn more.
What was your first date like? It was rough. We had to sneak out behind our parents' backs, due to incompatible faiths and traditions. My family believed in leaving presents under trees, hers was all about money under pillows. Good girl, but in the end it just wasn't meant to be.
What is in your vegetable bin? Frosty's nose. I told that snowman not to piss me off.
Do you cook? I do. The 2004 Santa is a progressive Santa. Mrs. Claus and I share the cooking duties. I make a mean pasta.
What color is your car? Red with white trim and a huge trunk.
What is your favorite holiday, other than Christmas? St. Patrick's Day, but only because of the McDonald's shakes.
Are you having a good hair day? Yes, I've been keeping it well groomed, in order to have a fine selection of plucking options for December 26.
What is your favorite cologne? Anything that isn't remotely deer smelling. Trust me, you do not want to be confused with a reindeer during mating season.
Which reindeer do you like best? Jupiter, or as I call him, Jupe-Jupe. He curls up in bed with Mrs. Claus and I every night. He's not much for sleigh pulling, but you should see how cute he is chasing a laser light or Rudolph's nose.
Jupiter?! Why haven't we ever heard of him before? He's rich enough to keep his name out of the papers.
What's the deal with the elves? I hear they have a really good dental school. Is that what you're talking about?
Not Exactly. I wondered if you employ them and if they are real elves. If you're asking if they all look like Legolas from the Lord of the Rings movies, the answer is yes. And no, you can not have one stuffed in your stocking.
What is your middle name? Dillon. My parents were so trendy.
Has Mrs. Claus been naughty or nice this year? I can't answer that question directly, but I can say that Christmas Eve isn't the only night her stockings are hanging from some odd place.
What type of books do you like to read? James Bond novels. I'm always looking for new ways to sneak in and out of hairy situations.
Do you actually give coal to naughty children? Not coal, Dole. As in Bob. Trust me, children aren't naughty two years in a row.
What is your favorite type of cookie? Chocolate chip. Who do you think made them so popular?
Do you like milk with your cookies, or would you prefer something else? Gatorade is always nice. That suit is pretty stinking hot, and I tend to lose quite a bit of fluids.
Thanks for letting me sit on your lap Santa! Don't forget, I've been especially nice this year!