The Friday Chef

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Monday, December 20, 2004
Spotlight On...

Santa!  You better watch out, you better not cry, you better not pout, he's telling you why.

Santa Claus, aka Saint Nicholas, aka Kris Kringle, aka the World's Most Popular Master of Breaking and Entering.

Age:  A little less than one year.  Not a lot of people know this, but there is actually a different Santa Claus every year.  On December 26 of each year, the outgoing Santa plucks one whisker from his beard and plants it under a Christmas tree at the North Pole.  On the twelth day after Christmas a baby Santa is born out of a leaf of mistletoe that grow from that spot.  In recent years Santas have been developing faster and faster, in order to meet the ever earlier Christmas shopping demands of the world.

Location:  the North Pole, wherever a child dreams, or wherever an adult needs a threat to make their child behave.
Where were you born?  Under a Christmas tree from a sprig of mistletow grown from a whisker from Santa 2003's beard.  Pay attention.  *glances at pile of coal in the back yard*
Do you really check your list twice?  These days that's all done by computers.  You wouldn't believe the firewalls required to keep out hackers.  I blame Ferris Bueller, that little punk.
What happens if people don't have a chimney?  Let's just say everyone has a toilet, and leave it at that.

What did you want to be when you grew up?  A third party candidate for President.  I still maintain I would have kicked Bush's ass.  Blue states and red states love Santa.

What were mealtimes like for you as a child?  In order to prepare for the harsh conditions of Christmas Eve, I was forced to fight reindeer for some oats and eggnog.  You haven't known panic until you've attempted to locate the last parcel of grain while blinded by a flash flare from Ruldoph's nose.

Did you ever like any of your school photos?  Not really.  I always looked fat and drunk.
Were you??  I wasn't fat.  Moonboots just make everyone look a little rounded.  And I wasn't drunk either.  When it comes to booze and narcotics, Santa just says no.  Heck, no Santa has even smoked a pipe since it became clear that the tobacco companies are agents of evil.  Visit to learn more.
What was your first date like?  It was rough.  We had to sneak out behind our parents' backs, due to incompatible faiths and traditions.  My family believed in leaving presents under trees, hers was all about money under pillows.  Good girl, but in the end it just wasn't meant to be.

What is in your vegetable bin?  Frosty's nose.  I told that snowman not to piss me off.
Do you cook?  I do.  The 2004 Santa is a progressive Santa.  Mrs. Claus and I share the cooking duties.  I make a mean pasta.

What color is your car?  Red with white trim and a huge trunk.
What is your favorite holiday, other than Christmas?  St. Patrick's Day, but only because of the McDonald's shakes.

Are you having a good hair day?  Yes, I've been keeping it well groomed, in order to have a fine selection of plucking options for December 26.

What is your favorite cologne?  Anything that isn't remotely deer smelling.  Trust me, you do not want to be confused with a reindeer during mating season.
Which reindeer do you like best?  Jupiter, or as I call him, Jupe-Jupe.  He curls up in bed with Mrs. Claus and I every night.  He's not much for sleigh pulling, but you should see how cute he is chasing a laser light or Rudolph's nose.
Jupiter?!  Why haven't we ever heard of him before?  He's rich enough to keep his name out of the papers.
What's the deal with the elves?  I hear they have a really good dental school.  Is that what you're talking about?

Not Exactly.  I wondered if you employ them and if they are real elves. If you're asking if they all look like Legolas from the Lord of the Rings movies, the answer is yes.  And no, you can not have one stuffed in your stocking.

What is your middle name?  Dillon.  My parents were so trendy.
Has Mrs. Claus been naughty or nice this year?  I can't answer that question directly, but I can say that Christmas Eve isn't the only night her stockings are hanging from some odd place.

What type of books do you like to read?  James Bond novels.  I'm always looking for new ways to sneak in and out of hairy situations.
Do you actually give coal to naughty children?  Not coal, Dole.  As in Bob.  Trust me, children aren't naughty two years in a row.
What is your favorite type of cookie?  Chocolate chip.  Who do you think made them so popular?
Do you like milk with your cookies, or would you prefer something else?  Gatorade is always nice.  That suit is pretty stinking hot, and I tend to lose quite a bit of fluids.

Thanks for letting me sit on your lap Santa!  Don't forget, I've been especially nice this year!

Posted at 01:35 am by ChefGrace
(11) Shout Outs  

Friday, December 17, 2004
Food Friday

Holiday Eating Tips

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to  turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of  your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's Day. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do.  This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming  the center of attention They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Pecan. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like pecan, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the  mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

Posted at 01:28 pm by ChefGrace
(3) Shout Outs  

Thursday, December 16, 2004
Holiday Diversions

My friend, Vicki sent me a snowglobe featuring our city, so I thought I might use it as my online Christmas card, but then I ran across a couple of other fun snowglobes, so figured I'd just share them with everyone.  The snowglobes are enhanced by sound, so don't forget to turn on your speakers. 
I spent entirely too much time at the last link here.  Before you create your own snowflake, try catching some flakes that others have made. 

*Greetings from downtown Indianapolis
*A fun stress-buster

Posted at 10:48 am by ChefGrace
(2) Shout Outs  

Wednesday, December 15, 2004
From the No Shit Sherlock Files

Headline from the AOL Health News page:

New Tool Measuring Happiness Shows Women Enjoy Sex Most, Commuting Least.

Okay, so that made me laugh.  I wondered who or what the new tool is, so I read on.

It seems that the brilliant  folks at the National Institue on Aging have spent actual time and money devising a new research tool, called the Day Reconstruction Method,  that measures how people spend their time each day, and how it makes them feel. 

This new research method was tested on a group of  women.  The following was published in the NIA's publication, Science:

"More than 900 women answered general demographic questions and then were asked to create a short diary of the previous day by thinking of the day as a film containing a series of scenes and episodes.

After the women constructed their diary, they answered a series of questions about each episode, including what they were doing, with whom, and how they felt.

The average number of daily activities was 14 and each lasted about an hour.

The most enjoyable activities included: sex or intimate relations, socializing, relaxing, praying or meditating, eating, exercising, and watching TV. The least enjoyable activity was commuting, followed by working and doing housework."

Well, no shit.
They needed a special research tool and a scientific study to determine this??
Why don't they just read our blogs?!

Posted at 10:59 am by ChefGrace
(4) Shout Outs  

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

Private Tribe Leaderboard - Survivor_9 (Vanuatu)

Rank Team Name Score
 1  greentuna  1632
 2  TVJunkie  1545
 3  copssister  963
 4  Snappie  610
 5  amazingrace  549


Posted at 09:44 pm by ChefGrace
(7) Shout Outs  

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